I want to preface this with the following: I do not write for the entertainment of others, even though one of my ex’s girlfriend does enjoy reading every blog ‘Hey MH, how you doin boo?’, I don’t write to whine about my life, and I dont write from an area of expertise. I write to clear my head and my heart, to sort my feelings, these are raw and exposing stories and thoughts.
In the 7 weeks since I’ve lost my job, I’ve discovered so many things about myself. The biggest thing I’ve learned about myself is that I invested my identity, my worth in my career and achievements. I had this notion that this is what made me likeable, desirable and then in a 5 minute conversation, my self value was ripped from me.
I’ve gone thru so many emotions fear, anger, anxiety, relief, terror, and confusion; just to name a few from the 3789 feelings I’ve felt. I’ve feared most what the people I love would think, I fear them abandoning me, sometimes that fear makes me irrational, I fear losing my kids, my dogs but mostly… I fear of being a failure.
In the first few weeks, my ego and self confidence allowed me to believe I’d be hired instantly and it didn’t happen, so many resumes so little interviews and the interviews were not translating into jobs; This kind of rejection sunk me fast and in walked my fears and anxiety. I’m educated, experienced, well spoken, and gosh darn it people like me!! I’m still struggling with this to be honest. Today, while talking to someone that means a lot, I mentioned I have an upcoming interview and he commented that hopefully one turns into a job offer and even though he didn’t mean it harshly, my confidence shrunk and I instantly felt terrible for about 2 minutes until refocused my self worth. I am a fighter and still haven’t given up!!
The awakening moment for me to understand my real value as a person was over the weekend. This weekend, the man I’ve dated for several months, told me he loved me. It was a great moment for me, I was truly and overwhelmingly happy. Then on Sunday, I let my anxiety creep in and my fear took over. Those paralyzing fears allwoed me to believe that I was not good enough for his love, that I had nothing to offer him, and of course, he will leave me. After wallowing in my pity party all day, on Monday I bitch slapped myself and it really hit me that my career does not define who I am, it’s not my core as a person. He doesn’t love my career status. Once I stepped outside of that mindset, I thought of all the people who love me. Of course, they are proud of my accomplishments but they also love the messy parts of me, the imperfect, the quirky, and maybe even the irrational me.
I am not a loser for losing my job. A loser would run back to their parents, a loser doesn’t fight, a loser doesn’t learn to crochet or use this time to learn more about themselves. Being unemployed does not make you a loser, it makes you vulnerable, human, it makes you have to reach out and say ‘Here I am, exposed and scared but F*** you, I am not giving up.’ I am not done, this is just a hurdle. To my believers, my cheerleaders, my supporters, my rock…. I love you guys, I love you for loving me, even when I fall apart, even when I make no sense.
These days can be hard but I know I am still lucky for what i have.
Taking it one day at a time.