My father, he was rarely around when I was growing up. He had too many self centered problems to really focus on us kids. Although, the memories I do have of him, are all really happy ones with funny stories to go along. My father took his own life when I was 12. His death left me angry, sad, confused, and feeling incredibly unloved. I couldn’t understand how a father could so willingly leave his children…forever.
I didn’t realize it then but the way my father died impacted the way I loved, the way I entered relationships. That fear of abandonment and helplessness to not be able to save my dad, shaped my ability to be in relationships.
Throughout my twenties, I entered relationships with broken men, I didn’t acknowledge it then but I subconsciously sought it out. I blocked my heart from loving romantically and focused on fixing or saving people. Reflecting back, I understand that I was so scared to ever hurt again that I would instead not give myself a chance to fall in love. Instead I wasted my energy supporting and saving men who probably didn’t deserve it. I, thankfully, never encountered physical abuse but I did bare my load of mental and verbal abuse. I look back in awe, I have always been such a strong and independent female… this is what abandonment does. It can hurt anyone.
Once I hit my 30’s, I really came to grips with what I had been doing. I exposed it all; layer by layer of pain, tears, and even some laughs. The last 12 months in Nashville have really been a raw and eye-opening experience for me.
I am truly on my own, no help, not much close support, nothing. Throughout this process, I met an amazing person; kind, gentle, who laughs easily, is honest, and so incredibly emotionally strong but this person doesn’t have my best interest in mind always. This person could be my best friend but sabotage’s my happiness; this person was me. Once, I acknowledged that I needed to love all of me; the smart me, the hilarious me, the beautiful me, the scared me, the insecure me… i embraced it and I continue to work on loving me first.
I have also learned to expose the inner me to others and it is terrifying and completely vulnerable but I have also learned that I need to feel this too. Love is messy, scary, and can hurt like hell but you can’t get back the years you lost by shutting down. You can’t relive the ones you let slip away.
I left that broken heart where it belongs, in the past but I love that broken little girl who only craved to be wanted and loved. That broken little girl isn’t alone anymore, she doesn’t look to be someone’s super hero anymore.
Love without apologies, give love recklessly and without fear and if someone doesn’t want it… move on, find those who will because we are all made to love and be loved.
Taking it one day at a time-
Mom Under Siege.