What happened when I tried to express the love I have for my son.

I always dreamt of having a son. I am not sure why, maybe it is associated with the pain of losing my father or maybe it the spirit and tenderness that little boys have; what ever the reason, I knew all my life I wanted a son.

My first two pregnancies, I gave birth to beautiful, strong, and amazing little girls. After Audra’s birth, I began to have a lot of reproductive issues and cysts, I was told that another pregnancy was almost impossible. In April of 2007, I found out that I was expecting. I had a lot of mixed emotions about this. I had really resigned to the fact that I would only be the mother to two girls. I was also on medications to fight symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis. I had just entered the threshold of a “high risk” pregnancy.

When I went in for my ultrasound, I was anxious to know if I finally would get the son I wished for. The technician moved the screen away from my view when she went to view the gender and she began to laugh, which of course freaked me out. How can my baby’s genitalia be funny? She took pictures and printed them out for me to see. There in all his glory was my son, legs spread, and clearly pointing at his penis. A “look mom, a penis”. This should have tipped me off to what his personality would be like. I wish it would have been that easy, his head measured so large there was a scare of Down Syndrome. I had to have my Gallbladder out at 27 weeks; nothing came easy for the two of us. When he was born, I had a beautiful healthy and perfect baby boy.

The remarkable part is how much he is like my dad and looks like him too. I get overwhelmed with tears and joy when I look at him. I had this blog so well thought out and now, here I am all choked up. But this is what love is about, it can love between adults, the love of a mother, any kind of love. Love makes the heart speak louder than the mind. Originally I titled this “The place my son holds in my heart is bigger than life itself. ” and had to change it to reflect what just happened to my brain.

Here is motherhood: Our kids frustrate us, they cause headaches, they make us tired, they make us mad but they make our hearts want to explode with love, they remind us of others that we love, they make us strive to be better people and most of the time; they make us think with our hearts.

My dad.

Taking one day at a time,

Mom under Siege.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Emma Duncan says:

    Yes, completely! Lovely post!

  2. aubreysnyder says:

    Thank you. It didn’t become the literary dream I initially set out to write but it became the true representation of what this parenting journey has been so far.

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