Every mother deals with a degree of separation anxiety from their child when they are young but when you parent a child with separation and anxiety disorders; you tend to experience it for a little bit longer.
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful auburn haired girl with dazzling blue eyes and an infectious smile, she is engaging and comical beyond her years but she lives in a life of fear not danger but internal fears. Fears that her parents will die, fears that she will die, many, many fears. No amount of logic can separate her fears from reality, if she fears it, it will prohibit her.
This beautiful girl is my Audra, she is 10 years old and has suffered with this high level of anxiety her entire life. I can remember every day of preschool dropping her off and listening to her cry and scream my name, for two solid years she did this…. everyday.
My sweet girl.
It is an emotional roller coaster for her but also a draining emotional roller coaster to love someone with anxiety. I do my best to make her feel safe and self-assured and it has gotten better but also like playing dodge ball with Semi-trucks. At 10 years old, I envisioned a more flexible time in life, where I could drop Audra off at summer camp and I could go to work but…
Last night, Audra squashed that dream, letting me know that summer camp would not happen, and that she wants me. Over and over, she bellowed “I want you, Mom I want you”. I even enrolled her in just day excursions to amusement parks but she rebutted with she wants to go these with me. I am glad she loves me and values me but it can be frustrating that her anxiety paralyzes her from having fun. The reality is; that I will have to fork out a ton of money to put her summer camps that cater solely to her interests and only a few times a week and the other days she will have to go to work with me.
A “Mommy I want you moment” at the Paige Museum”.
I am not complaining about my daughter, I am madly in love with her, quirks and all but it is the hardest position to be when you are defenseless against the demons in her head. I pray that we figure out to make her understand that life isn’t that scary and she is missing out on the big beautiful world and all of its wonders.
Taking it one day at a time